Agnes and the Elves
by shrinni
Summary: [Complete!] Ho Hum, another girl gets zapped from another world into Middle Earth... only the girl's name is Agnes, and the other world is Discworld. Slight Mary Sue spoof, and my first humor story. Please read and review, you know you want to.
1. The Dancers

Disclaimer: I own neither Discworld nor Middle Earth nor any of the characters I borrowed for this story, and suing me is pointless since I'm broke, so there.

A/N: I wanted to put in footnotes like in TP's work, but I couldn't figure out how to make that work in a forum without pages, so no footnotes. Also, I'm decently familiar with canon discworld and M.E, and I will attempt to keep descriptions as accurate as possible, but I have a very bad memory. Critiques that mention inaccuracies are much appreciated, and I will fix things that are pointed out to me, I promise.

* * *

Now Read On...

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 1- The Dancers**

Agnes could hear them singing merrily. Of course, the Fair Folk were always merry, especially whenever they found something new to destroy. They would break your bones just to hear the noise they made.

Agnes ran through the woods, panting for breath. She had to get away from the elves, but Agnes knew that they would catch her soon. She could run, but not fast, and not very far. She wished she had thought to grab a knife from the kitchen, or anything iron. The iron could have scared them away long enough for her to escape, maybe.

Granny always said that the 'what ifs' were pointless, all that matters is the 'now'.

The snow is cold, flakes disappearing as soon as they touch the ground, probably because it was Midsummer's Eve. Agnes had ceased to wonder why it was snowing, concentrating all her attention on getting away.

_Where is Perdita?_ Agnes thought, and woke up.

Agnes Nitt heaved herself out of bed, shivering slightly. _The window's open, that must be why I had the dream again._

_Or you're scared silly that the Elves might come back._ Perdita thought nastily.

_Oh, shut up._ Agnes thought back, but without much force. Perdita was right, she was scared.

When Agnes was small, she used to blame things that went wrong in the house on "that other girl". Agnes gave That Other Girl all the thoughts and emotions that she was to 'good' to have. Then, when Agnes went to Ankh-Morpork she gave the girl a name. Unfortunately Agnes had an inclination for magic, and she didn't realize then that giving a thing a name gave it life...

Or, unkind persons recalled the theory that inside every fat girl is a skinny girl and a lot of chocolate. Perdita was the girl, Agnes was the chocolate.

Agnes was the product of generations of breeding in a place where a woman was expected to chop wood, carry heavy loads, have lots of children, and be able to strangle a rabid bear with her sock while making dinner if necessary. Agnes was large, Agnes was strong, it wouldn't be impossible for Agnes to have several small satellites. Oh, and she had very nice hair.

Currently, Agnes was learning to handle the responsibilities of her new status as village witch. Her lessons included: Headology, Gardening, Making Tea For Granny, Acting Like Everyone (Except Nanny Ogg and Granny Weatherwax) Should Give Me The Respect I Deserve, and Doing Whatever I Damn Well Please. The lesson's included surprisingly little magic.

Oh, and there were also singing lessons from Nanny. Agnes had a very good singing voice, but Nanny had decided that it was finally time to teach someone else all the words to the Hedgehog Song. Agnes had yet to sing more than one verse of that song at a time, it was just too embarrassing. Perdita loved it however, and would hum it whenever she felt Agnes was being annoying, which was often. It gave a whole new meaning to having a song stuck in your head.

Agnes walked quickly to the window, she started to close the shutters against the brisk autumn breeze, but paused to look outside. The moon was at first quarter, dimly illuminating Agnes' small garden and the woods beyond.

Agnes found herself staring at the moon. _What was it that Granny said about the moon when it was half full? Something about magic being easiest when you're balanced between light and dark._

Agnes sighed. Aside from her nearly useless precognition, which never made sense until after the knowledge would have been useful, Agnes knew nearly no 'magic'. Perdita maintained that Granny and Nanny Ogg, the other witch in Lancre, didn't actually know any magic. She thought that they just knew some good herbal remedies and how to manipulate people. Agnes thought that she was just missing something important, and when she understood whatever she was missing, she would do magic.

Agnes firmly shut and latched the shutter, and went back to bed. Tomorrow, she decided, she would go check the Dancers, just in case.

* * *

The next morning, Agnes flew up the mountain to the Dancers. Under normal circumstances Agnes preferred walking to her broomstick because of the way she had a tendency to overhang, but the Dancers were far enough away for Agnes to decide that looking bloody stupid was preferable to walking all morning through the forest bracken.

She landed a good distance away from the circle of eight unremarkable, lumpy stones. She wasn't afraid of the stones, but no one tried to overfly them. Even the birds stayed away.

Agnes walked broomstick in hand to the squat red stone called, for reasons unknown to Agnes, the Piper. She reached out and touched it, it felt like normal stone to her.

_You were expecting what? A flash of light and a warning sign? _Perdita asked.

_I don't know,_ Agnes responded lamely, _I just thought there might be something._

_Ha! And you think I'm the dramatic one!_

_Oh, be quiet._ Agnes reached into a pocket of her sensible black dress and pulled out a nail tied to a string. Gripping the string, she let the nail dangle. The nail swung toward the Piper, tugging gently at the string.

Agnes frowned, was it her imagination, or was it pulling less than the last time she had come to the Stones to check? It was probably her imagination, if there was going to be a circle time this summer, it wouldn't be for another month at least. Agnes sighed and put the nail back into her pocket.

Suddenly, the circle flashed, as if lightning had struck it. But the morning was cloudless, so it obviously couldn't be lightning.

Agnes blinked furiously, trying to clear her vision. _What was that?!_

_I don't know, but let's get out of here! Good things don't happen around the circle!!_ Perdita thought frantically.

Agnes, who normally thought Perdita was extremely foolish and overly dramatic, agreed wholeheartedly. She didn't want to be here when the circle was doing strange things. She sensed that there would be extra exclamation points in her near future. She needed Granny.

As Agnes turned to go, the ground heaved, pitching her into the circle of stones. She felt the nail rip out of her pocket and clank against one of the Dancers. The nails in her stout Lancre boots ripped out one by one. Agnes felt a peculiar sensation of falling several feet and several hundred feet at the same time, and she reflexively clutched her broom tighter in her hand. Then she blacked out.

* * *

When Agnes awoke she was laying on her back in a circle of … grey stones? They seemed to be the exact opposite of the Dancers she was used to; they were slender, graceful, tall stones. They had obviously been shaped by someone; they were rectangular and tapered to points at their tops, about three times as tall as a man.

Agnes scrambled to her feet, looking around and gripping her broomstick tightly in her hand. She was still in a forest, but a very different one from Lancre. As opposed to the endless evergreens of home, there were massive deciduous trees, with leaves showing all the magnificent colors of autumn. There were no buildings to be seen, just trees.

_How can it be autumn here when it's spring in Lancre?_ Agnes wondered

_Idiot!_ Perdita sneered, _We fell through the circle, we're in one of those whatchacallems, parasite universes!_

_I think you mean parallel universes._ Agnes corrected her.

_Whatever. But didn't Granny say that it was always frozen and snowing in Elfland? Since it's not, does it mean that we're not in Elfland, or do you think they decided to change the décor?_

_She did say that, and I have no idea. We shouldn't have been able to fall through the circle anyway, it's not the right time._

_Well, let's explain that to the circle, and maybe it'll apologize and send us home!_

Agnes scowled. _This isn't the time for- uh-oh._

A group of elves had surrounded her, springing down from the sheltering boughs of the trees. At least, Agnes was pretty sure they were elves, they were too tall, and Agnes didn't get a sudden urge to fall to her knees and worship them, but she could still sense….. something. It wasn't the Glamour, but she got the feeling that they were too old, and of course they were too beautiful to be real people.

And all off them had bows in hand, with arrows aimed right at her.

* * *

AN: I'm having two problems with this. Number the first, I can't think of a way to have Agnes learn Sindarin and/or Westron. I mean, I've thought of several ways, but none are any good, bleh. Problem the second: I don't know any Sindarin, and I don't really want to just type gibberish and pass it off as some kind of elvish, anyone know a good online translator (email me)?

Also, I just want to mention that I'm posting this in the LotR area because; with the exception of this chapter all will be taking place in ME.

Last thing, I promise; I have no beta-reader. If anyone is interested, email me.


	2. Iron

Disclaimer: I don't own the works of Tolkien or Pratchett, but I do worship them. All characters are theirs and will not be harmed beyond the bounds of humor or canon.  
  
AN: I want the TP-style footnotes, so I'm going to attempt to do them with parentheses. Tell me if it's too distracting.  
  
Oh, and hooray for the Green Pilgrim [gives The Green Pilgrim a gold star] I'm surprised there aren't more LotR/Discowrld crossovers too, considering Gollum makes an appearance in Witches Abroad. It must mean not enough people read TP, which is sad indeed.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves  
  
Chapter 2 – Iron**  
  
Agnes stared in horror at the elves surrounding her. Her panicked mind noted that the elves we standing in the stone circle, they obviously didn't fear it like any sensible creature would.  
  
Then again, they were elves. Elves didn't feel fear, just curiosity. And while curiosity killed the cat, the cat usually managed to kill all the mice first. And in this situation, there were six or seven cats (that Agnes could see) and one mouse.  
  
Something about the elves was wrong, but Agnes couldn't place it. Something about their arrows...  
  
One of the elves spoke some gibberish, Agnes thought it was a question but it was hard to tell. The words he spoke were musical, and ran together like the paint in a watercolor that had been thrown into the Lancre River.  
  
"What?" asked Agnes. _Oh, that was both helpful and clever._ she berated herself.  
  
_We're dead, very very dead._ moaned Perdita.  
  
The elf frowned and spoke again, possibly the same words but more insistently, and gestured with his bow at the other elves.  
  
Agnes shrugged helplessly, "I still don't understand you."  
  
The Elf's eye narrowed and he said something to his companions.  
  
Great, Agnes couldn't understand the elves, they couldn't understand her, and she was probably making them angry. She didn't know what was worse, a happy elf (which was very bad) or an angry elf (she'd never seen one angry, but it was almost definitely very bad).  
  
Agnes didn't really want to find out, so she bolted. The elves were obviously surprised (how many people do you know who would attempt to run with a half a dozen arrows aimed at them?), and didn't immediately shoot her. There wasn't enough space for Agnes to dodge between the elves and the circle stones, or to mount her broom, so she just ran through an elf (elves are skinny and light and Agnes is most definitely not, simple physics meant that the poor elf was trampled without even slowing Agnes down).  
  
Something hard hit Agnes on the back of the head, and she toppled forward. As she sank into unconsciousness, she figured out what was wrong with the elves arrowheads.  
  
_Iron?!_

_

* * *

_

  
  
Agnes blinked, and stared down at herself sprawled out on the forest floor. _What is going on?  
_  
YOU ARE HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE said a voice behind her.  
  
Agnes whirled (which for the more outer parts of Agnes, took some time. Even for Death it was interesting to watch), and stared at Death. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"  
  
Death stared at her; possibly bemused (it's had to tell with a skull). I DIDN'T. I'M NOT EVEN REALLY HERE; I'M MERELY A PRODUCT OF YOUR OVERTAXED BRAIN.  
  
"Or possibly a product of the large rock the hit my head." Observed Agnes sourly, noticing the projectile lying next to her unconscious body.  
  
POSSIBLY  
  
Agnes sighed and watched the leader of the elves go to his flattened companion, while the other five surrounded Agnes and attempted to pick her up. Agnes looked closely at their clothing and weapons. They were dressed very similarly; in boots, leggings, and tunics all in earth tones, with leather armor over the tunics. Each elf had a full quiver of arrows slung over their shoulder, and one or two daggers strapped to their back.  
  
The daggers all had steel hilts.  
  
Agnes pointed this out to Death, "They have iron! How is that possible?! Iron hurts them!!!" Agnes felt that the extra exclamation points were justified. After all she was unconscious, being stared at by elves, and dreaming that she was having a converation with Death.  
  
Death shrugged, a very pronounced gesture for him. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? I'M JUST A HALLUNCINATION.  
  
Now the elves, watched by the slightly dazed elf Agnes has run over, had made a crude stretcher out of fallen tree branches and had managed to heave Agnes' body into it. One elf picked up her broom and examined it, looking a little confused, then threw it on the stretcher next to Agnes. They set off through the forest laboring to pull one end of the stretcher and letting the other drag on the ground  
  
"Fine" Agnes said to Death, "Don't be helpful." She stalked off through the trees after her body, muttering imprecations under her breath about useless hallucinations.  
  
Death stared after Agnes for a moment, then shrugged again and snapped his fingers. Binky came trotting through the woods and stopped beside Death, floating about an inch off the ground.  
  
Death mounted Binky and pulled a glowing hourglass out of his robe. He examined it closely, and then put it away. Death nudged Binky with his bony knee and skeleton and horse disappeared, leaving glowing footprints in the air that slowly faded.

* * *

AN: muahaha, I love Death so much, I had to give him a scene   
  
Still desperately thinking of a convenient plothole I can use for the language barrier. Luckily, I won't need it for a couple more chapters.


	3. El Pond

Disclaimer: The characters and scenery aren't mine (I guess apart from the random circle of stones I put in ME, those are mine). This story is mine. 'Nuff said.

AN: Gold stars go out to Meitian and elinor, yay! I will insert Death if there is another appropriate moment, but I'm not sure how many times I can knock out poor Agnes without giving her brain damage.

I spent some time this morning (jobless bum that I am) rereading the Rivendell chapters of FotR, and assembled a small timeline and some descriptions. Therefore, the subsequent chapters should be fairly canon-accurate, minus the addition of Agnes of course.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 3 – El-Pond**

_The plus side about having an out of body experience is that the underbrush isn't snagging my dress_. Agnes decided as she trailed the elves carrying her body.

_I think the plus side is that we've been walking FOREVER and you're not tired yet._ Perdita retorted.

_We haven't been walking for that long._ Agnes thought absently, watching the elves. They were completely different from the elves Granny had described. (Agnes herself didn't remember, she and the rest of the townspeople had been put under a sort of spell during the Entertainment, so her memories of the elves were quite blurry.)

Aside from the height difference, their clothes were completely different. Granny said that elves were like magpies, they collected shiny things and strapped them to their bodies, knowing that their Glamour would make them beautiful no matter what they wore. Their outfits were usually a mix of metal and furs.

These elves' clothing was almost normal for a hunter in Lancre, except for the armor.And these elves weren't fox-faced at all. They looked like normal humans, except perfect.

_Maybe they are using their Glamour-thingy. Does it affect unconscious people?_

_Don't be stupid. _Perdita snapped, sounding like she didn't think Agnes was able for intelligent thought. _If they were doing something to your mind, I would know it. Remember Vlad?_

Agnes snarled, an uncharacteristic action for her. Vlad had been a vampyre, and had attempted to turn her into one as well. He hadn't succeeded, but that didn't keep Agnes from holding a grudge. _You're right, but why are these elves different? Elves are elves._

_Maybe. But if we really are in one of those wossname, parallel universes, maybe they're different here. _Perdita looked at the elves appreciatively through Agnes disembodied eyes. _They pretty handsome to me._

Agnes shook her head. _You thought Vlad was handsome too. What is it with you and evil creatures?_

_Hey, it's not my fault evil looks so tasty!_

_Ew, go away._

_No. Are we there yet?_

Agnes tried to bang her head on the nearest tree trunk, but it went through the tree instead.

* * *

A short time later, the elves followed by the spirit of Agnes and Perdita emerged from the woods.

Agnes stopped to admire the view. They seemed to be on lower slopes of a mountain, which was part of a larger chain of mountains that surrounded them and extended north and south (assuming the sun went from east to west in this universe). The valley Agnes stared at was full of trees, and a river similar to the Lancre flowed through the bottom. (similar in that both were deep and swift, rivers are really pretty generic).

All in all, it really looked a great deal like Lancre, except instead of a village there stood a single great house. The house looked open and airy, with a great many windows and porches, all of it masterfully carved from wood.

Ahead of her, the elves had also stopped to take a breather. (Elves don't usually tire, but these poor fellows had been dragging Agnes for almost twenty minutes.) The leader, a blond elf, said something to the others. Agnes managed to catch several words this time: _peredhil_, _imladris_, _firen_, but she definitely didn't understand any of it.

The elves started moving again, towards the large house. It took about 5 minutes to get there by Agnes' reckoning. The elves dragged her body inside, where a new elf with dark hair wearing a silver circlet greeted them, calling the lead elf 'Glorfindel'. Glorfindel responded, Agnes thought he may have called the dark-haired elf 'El-pond' but she wasn't sure.

El-pond pointed to a door near them, and they dragged Agnes inside and heaved her body into a large bed that occupied a corner of the room. Then all the elves exited the room, splitting up and heading off in different directions. One shouldered her broomstick and took it with him.

Satisfied that they weren't going to do horrible things to her body, Agnes decided to follow El-pond and Glorfindel. They went to a room nearby and knocked. A gravelly voice answered '_minno_' and they walked inside, shutting the door after them.

Agnes walked through the door. _One more point for the spirit-girl._

In the room, El-pond and Glorfindel were speaking to an old man seated by a large white bed. The man had long white hair and a silvery beard that the wizards in Ankh-Morpork would be jealous of. He was dressed in grey robes.

In the white bed there lay a sleeping child, looking very ill indeed. Agnes walked over to the bed and watched the child's chest rise and fall. _Whatever he had, I think he's recovering._ Agnes thought.

_Of everything you could be looking at, you go to the sleeping child. _Perdita sneered, _You're becoming more like those old bats every day._ _Although… he is kind of adorable._

Agnes grimaced. _They all look adorable when they're sleeping, and then when they wake up you can't stand them._

_I don't care, it's not like you'll ever marry and have kids anyway._

"Shut up!" Agnes blushed angrily. "That's not fair!"

When Agnes spoke the old man looked up, right at the space her spirit was occupying.

_I think he can see us… oh bugger._

The man pointed at her and said something, and the elves turned to stare.

Agnes was pretty sure they could see her as well.

"Um… hi?"

* * *

_firen_ means 'human'

_minno!_ = enter! (both these words from a translator website)

AN: does anyone know why asteriks don't show up? It's highly annoying.


	4. Of Wizards and MindReadings

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just borrowing them to pay my homage to Tolkien and Pratchett.

AN: I've started re-reading _Lords and Ladies_, so I can remember how ME elves and Disc elves compare, so the chapters may come a little more slowly, I apologize. Oh, and more gold stars to elinor (again) and to justso.

elinor: Don't worry, I have plans for Death. Oh yes, I have plans. _evil laughter_

justso: thanks for info, I think I'll keep '_firen_' because I'm too lazy right now to go change it. I will definitely go to that website if I try to attempt more sindarin. Bah, I swear, I read through the chapters like 3 times, but I never catch all the typos, _sigh_

This chapter is brought to you by cherry coke, which I haven't had in months and so I'm a wee bit caffeinated at the moment. By which I mean: GO SUGAR GOOOOO!!!! _runs of giggling_.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 4 – Of Wizards and Mind-Readings**

"Um… hi?" Agnes stammered.

The old man turned and spoke to Glorfindel and El-pond. Glorfindel began speaking, presumably about finding Agnes in the woods and dragging her here.

_Why didn't he see us before the old man pointed us out?_ Perdita asked.

_I have no idea. Maybe he wasn't concentrating right._ Agnes said. Speaking of concentrating…

Granny had told Agnes once that reading minds wasn't simple or easy, people's thoughts are too scattered to make any sense. However, if one had good sight, they could look at what a person was concentrating on the most (i.e. words they are about to say, emotions or images that the words are triggered by, etc.)

Agnes looked at the old man, letting her eyes become unfocused as Granny had taught her. She sensed… curiosity and worry. With the worry came an image of the child lying on the bed… and a golden ring? That made no sense.

Agnes felt the man become aware of her looking at his thoughts, and suddenly she could no longer see them. He had forced her out of her mind, more easily than even Granny could have done.

_How did he do that? Is he a wizard?_

_He can't be, _Perdita said dismissively, _no glitter or sequins. And his hat isn't very pointy. No self-respecting wizard would dress like that._

Agnes wanted to agree with Perdita's assessment. With the exception of the beard, this man looked nothing like a wizard. He looked intelligent, for one thing. (Wizards and witches had a tendency to not get along. It was one of those Things.) However…

Agnes could feel amusement, and it wasn't hers. _Perdita?_

_It's not me!_ _He's in here! Hey, old guy, this is my spot! Get out!_

Agnes concentrated, attempting to push his mind out. Surprisingly, Perdita started concentrating as well (Perdita normally liked to distract Agnes whenever possibly, usually resulting in Granny or Nanny mad at Agnes, and providing Perdita with endless amusment).

Despite Agnes' and Perdita's best efforts, the gentle presence of the old man remained.

_I guess he is a wizard after all. _muttered Perdita.

_Gandalf_ said the presence.

_What did he say?_

_I think it's his name._

From Gandalf came a query. Agnes got the impression of… identity, and a question.

_I think he wants to know my name…_ Agnes hazarded. She tried to project an image of herself: _Agnes._

Perdita projected an image of a Agnes with a savagely grinning ghost huddling inside: _Perdita._

Gandalf retreated from her mind in confusion.

_Perdita! Oh bugger, now he's going to think I'm crazy._

_Who's to say you aren't?_

Agnes thought a rude word, and watched as Gandalf spoke to El-pond and Glorfindel (who had just finished his tale of finding Agnes). El-Pond and Glorfindel turned to her, and suddenly they were both in her mind.

_Elrond _said one.

_Glorfind-_

Glorfindel didn't get to finish identifying himself, because right about then is when Agnes panicked. (Agnes wasn't normally prone to panicking, but she'd been living her nightmare for maybe a half an hour now, and the elves entering her mind were the last straw.)

_AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! GetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutGETOUT!!!!! _Agnes fled the room in much the same fashion as the elves fled her mind (very quickly). She dashed into the room where the elves had left her and hurled herself back into her body.

As Agnes felt unconsciousness actually claim her at last, she distantly heard Perdita remark: _just slightly overreacting, don't you think?_

And then there was darkness.

* * *

By the time Agnes regained consciousness, it was late in the evening.

_Ah, you're finally awake._ Perdita commented. _I thought we would be asleep forever._

_Sod off, Perdita. _

_Tsk tsk, such language!_

Agnes sat up, surveying the room. The fading sunlight left the corners of the room in deep shadow, but clearly illuminated the furniture: her bed, a small desk with a basin sitting on it, a chair, and the door.

Agnes walked over to the door and attempted to open it, but it was locked. _Like elves would let me wander about as I pleased._

_Like **anyone** who discovered someone come out of nowhere and couldn't understand a word they said would just let them walk around on their own. Remember, they probably think you're crazy._

_And whose fault is that?_

There was no response.

Agnes walked back to her bed and sat, thinking about the events of the day. The minds of elves were supposed to be cold, cruelly intelligent, and predatory. Agnes had felt nothing like that when Glorfindel and Elrond (not El-Pond) had touched her mind. Then (despite her panic) she had felt… warmth, and wisdom. The capacity for great power, yes, but also a reluctance to use it. It reminded Agnes very strongly of Granny Weatherwax.

Where was she that elves were not elves, but instead were the things that most people wished they were? Was this the Star People as they were supposed to be?

Agnes stared at the wall, thinking, for a long time.

* * *

And somewhere far away, a figure sat alone in a hugely disproportionate study, and decided he needed to take a vacation.

* * *

AN: Ah, alas that I can no longer get away with calling Elrond El-pond. It gave me much more amusement than the gag was worth.


	5. Meeting Gimli and Glóin

Disclaimer: Middle-Earth and all its characters belong to Tolkien, Agnes and Death belong to Pratchett, and my insane story belongs to me.

AN: second gold stars to The Green Pilgrim and to mirielle, and another goes to the surly mermaid (why are you surly?). Thanks to all of you for the compliments.

Sorry for the delay in updating, I was kidnapped by writer's block and am now battling a chest cold . I will try not to go so long without updating again, I promise!

I'm using _[italics]_ to denote dwarven speech, if it's too easily confused with Agnes/Perdita's thoughs mention it, and I'll figure out another way to do it.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 5 – Meeting Gimli and Glóin**

At about the same time Agnes was (finally) coming to the conclusion that the elves of this place were nothing like the elves of home, someone knocked on her door.

"Yes?"

_Oh, and how will they know that's an affirmative? For all they know you just said 'I'm naked!' _Perdita remarked.

_Why would I be naked?_

The door opened before Perdita could respond. Two dwarves walked in, flanked by an elven guard (Or at least, one would assume it was a guard, what with the being fully armed and staring distrustfully at Agnes and the dwarves and all). One of the dwarves was white-haired and quite old looking (so probably older than Agnes' great-grandmother); the other looked to be in his prime, and had an ax strapped to his back.

The younger dwarf looked Agnes up and further up (and then side to side as well), "_[So, this is the girl?]_"

_Hey, I understood that! What are the odds of Dwarvish being the same here and on the Disc?_

_Who cares? Just say something! You know some Dwarvish, right?_

Agnes did know Dwarvish, which she had picked up on her visits to the Lancre Mountain Dwarves. "_[Can you understand me?]_" she ventured.

The dwarves, and the elven guard, stared at her in shock. The young dwarf spoke again "_[How do you know our language], _ghaa'chk baorrlock?" (the last bit was an extremely rude word for 'non-dwarf'. Most dwarvish words for other species are pretty rude, but this one was one of the worst)

_If his name is Glodsonsonson or Stronginthearm I think you should just admit that you've gone crazy. _Perdita remarked.

The elder dwarf put his hand on the rude dwarf's arm. "_[Peace Gimli, Lord Elrond said that she appeared out of nowhere. Who knows where she is from, and what the rules are there.]_" He said in a quiet voice that Agnes had no trouble hearing.

He looked at Agnes appraisingly. "_[I am Glóin, son of Gróin. I am told your name is Agnes, or possibly Perdita. Which is it?]"_

_"[…Agnes_._]_"

Glóin smiled, not in a friendly way. "_[Well Agnes, now that we are able to have speech with you, I think it's time we visited Lord Elrond.]_" He turned and said something in another language to the Elven guard, who nodded and gestured for the dwarves and Agnes to precede him.

Agnes took a deep breath, and followed the dwarves out the door.

* * *

AN: ack, this chapter was horrible to write, and didn't turn out well. But it was a necessary evil.


	6. Agnes vs Lord Elrond

Disclaimer- Middle-Earth belongs to Tolkien, Agnes Nitt and Death belong to Terry Pratchett, and my story belongs to me.

AN- Thanks for the kind reviews on the last chapter. I think I didn't like it 'cause it's been sitting half-done for weeks :oP Oh, and thanks to mirielle for suggesting the perfect title for this chapter.

Oh, and for this chapter (and possibly henceforth), I'm abandoning writing dwarvish as "[_italics_]", and will be writing it normally instead, considering it's the only language Agnes can understand and such.

I just finished reading _Wee Free Men_ and _A Hat Full of Sky_. I highly recommend them.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 6 - Agnes vs. Lord Elrond**

Agnes trailed nervously behind Gimli and Glóin, she wasn't looking forward to this chat with Lord Elrond. Lords tended to be overbearing, pompous, and unfriendly to witches (except for King Verence, but he was married to a witch, so he doesn't count). And he would probably have difficult questions about where Agnes had come from, which she would have a hard time explaining.

_I'll just have to be honest, and explain everything that I can about the Dancers._

_And what about the… other elves? _Perdita asked. _Are you going to explain about them too? I'm sure this guy will be real happy to hear about those elves._

Agnes bit her lip._ I don't know._

To distract herself from that uncomfortable thought, Agnes started paying attention to her surroundings, and gaped. This place was _beautiful_. Made almost entirely of wood, the house seemed to have grown rather than been built. Graceful saplings made each doorway into a delicate arch, exquisite carvings and paintings covered the walls, and there were windows everywhere. The entire house seemed more like an overgrown pavilion than a home.

Agnes tapped Glóin on the shoulder. "What is this place?" she asked politely.

He slowed a bit so that he was walking next to Agnes. Gimli continued to walk in front of them huffily. "This place is Rivendell, also called the Last Homely House, and Lord Elrond Halfelven is its master."

"Wait… Last _Homely_ House?" asked Agnes, disbelieving.

Glóin shrugged "I know what you mean. This place could use more stone halls, but it is lovely. The Elves say that places far more beautiful exist across the sea."

They walked in silence the rest of the way.

* * *

Glóin stopped in front of a large door. "Here we are!" he said cheerfully, and knocked three times on the door. A voice from within called out something, and Glóin pushed the door open. The two dwarves, Agnes, and the elven guard filed inside.

Seated around a small table were Lord Elrond, the shabby-looking wizard Gandalf, and Glorfindel. As they entered, Elrond said something to the guard, who left the room scowling and shut the door behind him.

Glóin started speaking to the seated people in a language that Agnes didn't understand, but she noticed that it sounded very different from the language Glorfindel had used when he found her in the woods. _Must be yet **another** language._

When Glóin finished, Gandalf spoke to him and Gimli, and they sat down in chairs near the table. Then Gandalf spoke to Agnes. "Agnes, my name is Gandalf. As you can see, I speak dwarvish. Lord Elrond would like to ask you some questions, and I will translate between you." His voice may have been kind; it's hard to tell with dwarvish.

"Th-thank you." Agnes managed.

Gandalf nodded to Elrond, who began to speak to Gandalf while never taking his eyes from Agnes'.

"Lord Glorfindel tells me that he and his scouts saw you appear in our woods out of thin air, where did you come from? Another place in this world or… someplace else?"

_You're a witch, pull yourself together and act like it._ Agnes thought to herself. She took a deep breath, and matched Elrond stare for stare. "I do not think I came from this world, lord."

He raised an eyebrow, but didn't really look surprised. "And how do you think you came to this world?"

"In my world, there are places where the barrier between worlds is… thinner." The intensity of Elrond's gaze was making Agnes very uncomfortable. "And there are some worlds that… sometimes… try to get into our world, and make it their own." The two dwarfs gave small starts at this statement, but Gandalf and the elves seemed unperturbed.

"But the people in the… other worlds…. are afraid of iron, so a long time ago people put large stones made of thunderbolt iron in circles around the doorways."

Gandalf interrupted her here: "Thunderbolt iron"

Agnes (gratefully) broke off her staring contest with Elrond to look at Gandalf. "There is a kind of iron that… loves other iron. It attracts iron. And when these stones are put in circles around the doorways, nothing can go through. Especially not iron."

Agnes waited while Gandalf explained this to Elrond, reinitiating their staring contest. Then Elrond asked the question that Agnes had been dreading.

"And what manner of creatures tries to get past these circles into your world?"

Agnes swallowed. "Well…"

* * *

When Agnes had unwillingly said 'the elves', Glorfindel had exploded out of his chair, anger and consternation in his eyes, and his voice raised in a strangled protest. Elrond had been no less surprised, but better able to contain it. Glóin had looked surprised and concerned; Gimli looked surprised and just a bit smug. Gandalf's expression had not flickered.

They began firing questions at Agnes so fast, Gandalf barely had time to translate before the question was asked. Agnes explained as best she could, stressing the difference between the elves she had seen here and the Fairy Folk, but it still took nearly an hour to settle their anger and satisfy their curiosity.

Elrond finally gave a small sigh. "This is a very interesting story, but how did you come to fall through this circle, if none can pass through it except during this 'circle time' that has not happened yet?"

"I really don't know Lord Elrond. I don't suppose this is a particularly… thin… time in this world?"

Elrond glanced at Gandalf, then back at Agnes. "Not to my knowledge, Agnes Nitt."

He spoke for a moment to Gandalf and Glorfindel. "I have one more question for you Agnes. Who is Perdita?"

_Oh bugger, this one might take awhile._

* * *

AN: Elrond vs Agnes scoring: 5 points for Elrond for making Agnes really uncomfortable during the staring match, and 5 points for Agnes for managing to surprise Elrond. Winner: Gandalf, because he's just that cool.


	7. Witchcraft

Disclaimer- Middle-Earth and all its creatures belong to Tolkien, Agnes belongs to T. Pratchett, my story belongs to me.

AN: I'll be spending next week in South Carolina, probably without internet access. I'll try and keep writing, and will upload stuff when I get back.

To the surly mermaid- don't worry, I promise not to abandon this story. I update very sporadically, but I won't abandon.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 7 –Witchcraft**

Explaining Perdita would have been relatively easy (except for the part where everyone thought Agnes was crazy), except for one slight snag.

"Agnes," Gandalf interrupted, "You've mentioned this 'witchcraft' several times, but we have never heard of it. What kind of skill is it?"

No _witchcraft?!_ Agnes gaped at Gandalf. How could there be _no_ witchcraft, especially when this man was _clearly_ a wizard?!?! "Wha- What do you mean you have never heard of witchcraft?!" she spluttered, "You are a wizard! What do you call women who do magic?!"

Gandalf translated for Elrond, then shared an uneasy glance with him. "By magic, you are referring to seeing people's thoughts, correct? I know of no Men who can clearly do this."

"But… you can do magic. I can feel it in you! Aren't you a wizard?"

Gandalf paused at this, considering. Agnes could feel his thoughts brushing against hers. "I think the answer to that is both yes and no." he said slowly. Glóin was hurridly translating for Elrond and Glorfindel now, while Gimli sat quietly and watched.

Agnes looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"In this world I am called a wizard, yes." Gandalf explained. "But I don't think I am like the wizards you picture in your mind."

_He's not fat enough, that's for sure._ Perdita commented.

_Shut up, you're giving me enough trouble already!_

_Aw, can't I talk to the nice wizard?_

_No!_

Gandalf frowned, sensing the interplay between Agnes and Perdita but not the meaning. "I think before you attempt to… explain Perdita you should explain 'witches' to us." Elrond, hearing Glóin's translation, nodded.

Agnes began simply. In isolated villages, witches were the healers. They brought people into the world, cared for them, watched over them (sometimes threatening with a big stick), and laid out the dead. That was easy enough to explain. When Agnes said that a witch's other duty was protecting the land all of them, elves dwarves and wizard alike, looked skeptical. Elrond demanded to know how one old lady defended anything.

_They want an explanation? Fine. _Agnes walked to the table and pointed at a quill lying next to some papers. "May I see that?" she asked sweetly.

Wait a pause for Glóin to translate, then Elrond nodded. Agnes picked up the quill and let it lie flat on her palm, and concentrated. She'd only seen Granny do it once (and Nanny had not been pleased about the loss of her hat), but the principle was fairly simple. At the last second Agnes remembered about Headology, and added some sound effects.

**_BANG!_** The feather exploded impressively. All five of the questioners/observers rocked back in their chairs, startled by the noise and flying bits of feather zinging around the room. Perdita roared with laughter at the expressions on their faces. Clearly they magic they knew dwelt more in the subtle.

Elrond snapped something at Gandalf, who spoke to Agnes. "Lord Elrond… requests that you explain this more clearly."

Despite herself, Agnes grinned. "Requests?"

Gandalf ignored her comment. "Explain your magic to us Agnes, please."

* * *

What is magic?

'Older witches hardly put words to it at all, but may suspect that… all you needed to do was _twist_…'

All it really took was an inclination and a certainty that could bend iron. It was one of the reasons why the Fairy Folk and witches had never gotten along.

* * *

Agnes explained as best she could. She explained how the Disc had a very strong magical field, how people born with an inclination could learn to affect it. The explaination took some time, as Agnes was interrupted almost constantly by questions.

Finally, Elrond seemed satisfied. "And your magical… inclination is what gave Perdita life?"

"No, my abilities gave Perdita shape. When I named her I gave her life."

The questioners nodded. They knew about the power of names. "Is there anything else?"

Agnes thought for a moment, and then shrugged. "There is more I can show you, if you will give me my broomstick and come outside."

_Oh! Are we going to escape?_

Agnes looked at Elrond while Glóin translated. _No. I have a feeling these may be the only people who can help us._

_Then why show them the broomstick? It will just make them more suspicious._

_No, it will show them that I am not lying. The wizard knows about the circles, I can feel it. If he believes enough of my story he may be convinced to help me get home._

_That sounds like twisty logic if I ever heard it._

_He is a wizard, they _like_ twisty logic._

_A point, _Perdita conceded, _a point. Let me talk to him!_

Elrond, Glorfindel, and Gandalf had started arguing, presumably about letting Agnes do something wonky with the broom. _No Perdita, it's my body, remember?_

_Yeah, whatever. It's not like you're doing much with it._

_Shut up._

Gandalf finally turned back to Agnes. "We will go to a courtyard and you can show us your broom." He seemed doubtful, but then again he had no idea what a broomstick could do.

* * *

Glorfindel led the way to a courtyard that was enclosed one all sides, but still open to the sky. On the way he spoke to a passing elf and sent him on an errand. Right as they arrived at the courtyard, the elf came hurrying up with Agnes' broomstick in hand.

There were people already in the courtyard when they arrived, elves and two small children with dark curly hair. Elrond entered into another debate with Gandalf, gesturing at the spectators, apparently wanting them to leave. Gandalf appeared to win though, and no one was sent away.

Gandalf turned to Agnes. "Show us what it is that needs to be shown."

Agnes stepped into a clear space nervously. _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea._

_Too bad! _Perdita said, not sounding sympathetic at all. _At least your broom starts right away, unlike Granny's._

Agnes took a breath and mounted her broom. Before anyone could ask her why she looked so ridiculous, Agnes started the magic and took off, circling the courtyard just above the heads of the tallest elves.

There were shouts of alarm and surprise, and exclamations of delight from the children. Glorfindel reached for his bow, but Elrond grabbed his arm and shook his head. Agnes noticed this and landed near them, deciding not to push her luck. When she landed she remembered what else was different between these elves and the Fairy Folk: This elves didn't smell worse than a wet goat, they smelled clean and possibly flower-scented.

_It's not like I'm still confused about that anymore. I already know these are not the same elves._

Gandalf came up to Agnes. Behind him, she could see the two children talking excitedly to Gimli. "Is that representative of the magic you were trying to explain to use?"

Agnes wanted to say no, there was so much more than that. There were the parts that took place only in the mind. How to show the dying the way, how she went to the sick almost every day and helped them, even if they distrusted or were frightened of her. All of that was more what a witch _was_ than exploding feathers or flying on broomsticks.

Agnes opened her mouth to say all that, then looked into Gandalf's eyes, and nodded instead. He knew all that already. Those were the things he knew you weren't supposed to talk about.

Gimli came up and stood next to Gandalf, looking at him apologetically, and pointed behind him at the children who had been talking to him. "Merry and Pippin want to know if they can ride on Agnes' broom."

Gandalf looked as if he wanted to roll his eyes. As he turned to tell the children off, Agnes noticed their extremely large, hairy feet.

_That's very odd…_

* * *

AN- Ack! I just realized that I forgot to mention that Agnes' broom came with her through the stones, how dumb of me. When I stop being so lazy, I will go back and fix it, I promise.


	8. The End of a Long Day

Disclaimer- Middle Earth and all its characters belong on Tolkien, Agnes belongs to Pratchett, and my story belongs to me.

AN- Happy 4th of July for all my fellow Americans out there! I'm back from the beach and it was wonderful, and I even remembered to write a new chapter while I was there, go me!

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 8 – The End of a Long Day**

Agnes watched Gandalf lecture the children with the huge hairy feet, noting that their ears were pointed, but in a way that was wholly different from the elves. Also, these children definitely did not strike Agnes as being too beautiful… maybe they were simply humans with ear and feet problems?

_Not very likely… They might be gnomes._ Agnes thought to herself. Agnes hadn't met any gnomes, they tended to be reclusive and preferred locations farther away from witches for some reason. But Agnes was fairly certain that gnomes were more… green. What were those children?

Gandalf finished telling off the strange children, who didn't look repentant at all. He turned back to Agnes with a pleasant smile. "Don't mind these hobbits, Agnes. Heads full of fluff." Agnes couldn't decide if he meant the last comment, he seemed to like the 'hobbits' very much.

Agnes jumped at this opening. "I'm sorry… but what are 'hobbits'?"

Gandalf seemed a little surprised at the question, and then shook off his surprise. "Many Men in this world have never seen one," he said carefully, "it should not surprise me that you have not either.

"Hobbits are hole-dwellers; they live for the most part in the western area of this land. These two troublemakers," he gestured behind him at the still grinning hobbits, "are adults, or nearly so."

Agnes nodded. So hobbits were like dwarves except beardless and without the love of iron, not very complicated.

Gandalf turned back to the hobbits, and speaking in a different language, seemed to be introducing them to Agnes. They each gave a courtly little bow, which a surprised Agnes returned.

"Agnes," said Gandalf, turning back to her again, "The hobbit on your right it Meriadoc Brandybuck, who prefers to be called Merry, and the other is Peregrine Took, who goes by Pippin."

Agnes bowed to them again, figuring it was best to err on the side of politeness. "It is nice to meet you, Merry and Pippin." Gandalf translated for her.

The hobbits started to say something else, but were interrupted by Gandalf, who sent them away. "It is getting quite late," he said to Agnes, "Why don't I escort you back to your room?"

_Do I have a choice?_ Agnes wondered. She hadn't been so not in control for her life for this long since she became a witch. Perdita wished that they had the pointy hat; she thought it looked cool and gave an aura of authority. Agnes figured that if these people didn't know what a witch was, they wouldn't know the hat either.

Agnes nodded to Gandalf. "Thank you."

Gandalf led her back to her room/cell, nodding in greeting to the elves they passed. Agnes let herself admire the amazingly beautiful house on the way. Finally, Gandalf stopped by her room. An elven guard, probably the same one from before, was standing beside the door.

"Goodnight, Agnes" said Gandalf.

"Goodnight." Agnes walked inside the room and shut the door. She listened, but the didn't hear the door being locked, only the soft voices of Gandalf and the guard talking in low voices in one of the (many) languages of this strange world.

Agnes turned and noticed a tray of steaming food sitting on the table next to the washbasin. She walked over and examined it: A glass of water, fresh bread, what looked like cooked vegetables, a bowl full of grapes, and thin slices of some meat, probably deer. Agnes was ravenous, but the portions were very generous, so she was pleasantly full when she was done.

Agnes was very tired; the day had been rather full even if she had spent a good part of it being unconscious. Agnes lay in the bed, taking off only her boots, and was asleep in five minutes.

* * *

Gandalf walked slowly back to Lord Elrond's study, his thoughts on the young woman from the circle, and of course on Frodo and the terrible burden he carried. He knocked on the study door softly three times.

"Enter" called Lord Elrond in Sindarin.

Gandalf entered to find Lords Elrond and Glorfindel seated again around the small table. Glóin sat with them, and also Aragorn son of Arathorn. There was an empty chair between Elrond and Aragorn.

"Mithrandir, come sit." called Elrond. Nodding to Aragorn Gandalf took the empty chair and accepting the glass of wine Elrond offered him.

They sat for a while in silence, Aragorn was the first to speak. "I have been informed of the discussions with the girl Agnes," he told Gandalf, "Do you think she speaks the truth?"

"I do. I sensed no malice or secrets in her mind, only bewilderment and a strong desire to be home."

Glorfindel frowned. "I sensed the same as you, but how can what she says be true? She speaks of things so fantastic they surprised even you Mithrandir."

"Fantastic yes, but not impossible. I know that there is a subtle, weak power in the circle of stones above Imladris where you found Agnes. I know that there exist worlds wholly different from our own… But I had not thought that the power in that circle would ever be strong enough to bring a person to our world."

"How do you know all this?" asked Aragorn.

Elrond answered this time. "There are tales, so old I can barely remember them, of places in this world that can serve as doorways. When Imladris was first built a small number of us could sense a strange power in the woods. To mark the center of this power we placed the stones there. But the power remained dormant, and it passed out of our thoughts and almost out of our memories."

Glorfindel slowly nodded. "From Agnes' tale, it seems that the circles in her world have much more power, and must be more closely guarded." He paused, and turned to Glóin, "Do perhaps the Dwarves know of this thunderbolt iron?'

Glóin nodded. "Not a lot, but we do have it. Metals sometimes fall from the sky, and we collect as much as we can because swords made from star iron do not break as easily as normal swords will. A few small fragments of the star metals we collect are the same as this thunderbolt iron that Agnes speaks of, but we call it Aule's Iron. We do not try to bend this metal, but treasure it in our halls."

Elrond leaned back in his chair. "So this girl is not lying about the accident of her arrival, or that the stones are gateways," he began, but Glorfindel interrupted.

"What of the creatures she said came through the circle in her world? These," he grimaced, and used a less offensive term, "fairies? If this girl can stumble through, can these beings?"

"They may be able to," Gandalf said, "But the chance of their doing so is slight. From what Agnes tells us, they are intent on getting into her world, because they used to be there. If they know about our world, I judge that they will ignore it."

"So this girl is no threat to us?" Aragorn asked.

"No." Elrond said. "Yet she may be a gift in these dangerous times."

The minds of all present turned again to (if in fact they had ever left) the Ring.

"How is young Frodo Baggins faring?" Glóin asked.

"The shard of the Morgul knife has been found and removed." Elrond replied, "It is my belief that he will wake tomorrow. If he does, the council will be held the day after." He looked at GLorfindel, "Once you hear that Frodo is awake, please begin telling all who were summoned when we will meet."

Glorfindel nodded, "Yes, lord." He paused, then asked: "What of Agnes? Shall she be summoned?"

Elrond shook his head, "No. She may be of aid and she was not lying to us, but she is a stranger. She has no place at the council."


	9. Dwarf Bread

Disclaimer- Middle Earth belongs to Tolkien, Agnes belongs to Pratchett, this story belongs to me, nyah nyah.

AN: When I uploaded the last chapter I had forgotten to go back and fix something (when Glóin is describing thunderbolt iron, he's supposed to call it Aule's Iron, and not Iron, silly omission on my part). So if you were confused when you read that part, I apologize and I fixed it.

Also, I have to admit that re-reading The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth by Camilla Sandman (for the third time, but don't tell anyone that) was part of my inspiration for this chapter, because it was that story that made me truly understand the coolness that is Gimli.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 9 – Dwarf Bread**

Agnes was normally awake before the dawn (witches generally didn't need all that much sleep), but due to the excitement and intense nature of the day before, she did not wake until well after the sun had risen.

Agnes sat up in her bed and took in her surroundings, noting from the amount of sunlight streaming in from her open window that it was nearly nine o'clock in the morning. Most people in her situation would first hope that the events of the day before were some strange dream, but again the witchyness and general pragmatism of Agnes' nature forestalled that kind of nonsense.

What Agnes did instead of wishing it had been a dream was watch the sunlight. Even the sunlight was different here. On the Disc, sunlight moved very slowly due to the strong magical field, the way the light moved had always reminded Agnes of pouring honey out of a jar: languid and golden. Here, the sunlight was like… well, striking a match: abrupt and somehow less comforting than the sunlight Agnes was used to.

Agnes watched the morning light for some time, relaxing as the sun warmed her blankets, before shaking herself and getting out of bed. As she washed her face and hands in the basin, she noticed that the dishes from her dinner had been taken away while she was sleeping. She felt guilty at this because no one ever waited on Agnes; she usually ended up waiting on other people.

Someone knocked on the door. "Agnes? It is Gimli." Called Gimli in dwarvish (obviously).

"Come in." said Agnes, drying her face with a small towel sitting next to the washbasin.

Gimli entered, a certainly-not-petulant expression on his face. "My father asked," by which he obviously meant _told_, "me to be your companion today."

"Thank you Gimli." Said Agnes, and she meant it. He did not look at all happy to b saddled with her, and she couldn't really blame him. Although he probably didn't have much else to occupy his time.

And so it was that Gimli 'accompanied' Agnes to a great hall with long tables and benches set up in it. He left her where she was standing with a muttered "I'll fetch us some breakfast", leaving Agnes to survey the room.

The hall looked like it could seat well over 200 people, probably enough to seat the entire house at formal meals, which breakfast was clear not. Elves sat in small groups throughout the room chatting with their fellows, dressed what looked like working clothes and eating out of bowls of what looked like oatmeal. Occasionally one of the elves would glance up at Agnes, and then go back to eating and talking.

There was a large dais at one end of the room with a single, beautifully carved, table surrounded by elegant wooden chairs.

_The table for Elrond and his family, no doubt, _thought Agnes. _I guess lords are lords whatever world you're in, they always need to be above everybody else._ Agnes approved of this. People like to say that they want to be in charge of their fate, but what they really want is someone to make the hard decisions and let them live in simplicity. People like to make fun of and/or chafe under a king, but are always secretly glad that no one is asking _them_ to be in charge…

Perdita approved of lords and ladies sitting above everyone else too, but for a different reason: everyone looks up to the high table; the people up there are _cool._

_You don't think Magrat or Verence are very cool, _thought Agnes derisively.

_Yes, but Magrat is… _Magrat._ And Verence doesn't exactly have a very commanding air about him, does he?_ Thought Perdita defensively.

Perdita had a point, but Agnes wasn't about to admit that to her. Just then Gimli came striding out with wooden bowls of oatmeal for the both of them, saving Agnes from needing to respond.

Gimli gestured at the nearest table with one of the bowls he was clutching. Agnes sat next to the end of the table, and Gimli sat across from her, pushing one of the bowls in front of her across the polished surface of the table. Gimli began to eat without a word, and Agnes copied him resignedly.

_Is he ever going to talk to me?_

_He doesn't trust you._

_No one here trusts me, I'm getting rather tired of it._

The oatmeal was very good, without any husks and flavored slightly with honey. As Agnes ate, she admired the tapestries hanging from the walls, depicting a variety of scenes: battles, people doing daily tasks such as carving or smithing or cooking, and scenes which Agnes was guessing were historical. Every tapestry, without exception, was clearly a master's work.

If Gimli noticed her staring at the walls, he gave no sign. Scraping the last of his oatmeal up and swallowing, he pushed his bowl back slightly. "Are you finished?" He asked gruffly.

Agnes nodded (her mouth was still full), and Gimli rose from his bench. Grabbing his bowl and motioning for Agnes to follow, he marched off back towards the door he disappeared into when getting their food, directly across the room from where they had entered. Collecting her own bowl, Agnes hastened after Gimli through the door.

She entered into what seemed like a very noisy furnace (or more accurately, a gigantic kitchen with all its fires lit). One wall seemed made up entirely of fireplaces and ovens of different sizes. Elves (male and female) wearing aprons were scurrying back and forth and calling out to each other over the various sounds of a kitchen in full operating mode. All in all, it was deafening.

A harassed looking elf walked over to Agnes and Gimli, shouting at them to be heard over the din. Agnes didn't understand her, but her body language was pretty universal, it said: Whatever are you doing in my kitchen?! Can't you see how bloody busy we are?

Gimli snatched Agnes' bowl and hurriedly proffered their bowls to the irate elf, muttering what sounded like an apology. They beat a hasty retreat for the dining hall.

As they stepped into the relative quiet of the hall, Agnes thought she heard Gimli muttering "I am a blooded warrior; I will not be menaced by a cook with a rolling pin." He looked up at Agnes half irritated and half apologetic. "I'm sorry about that, it was much… calmer when I got out breakfasts. Apparently they've just been given word that Lord Elrond wishes there to be a feast tonight." His scowl changed quickly to a grin, "I don't think they appreciated the short notice."

Agnes chuckled with him, remembering the flustered-looking cooks but also relived that this seemed to have released some of the tension between her and Gimli.

"Tell you what," Agnes offered slowly, using this opportunity to make an offering of friendship to Gimli, "sometime when the kitchens are less hectic, I'll make you some real dwarf bread if you want it."

Gimli's eyes lit up. "You know how to make real _cram_?" he asked excitedly. "With real gravel and everything?"

Agnes nodded, puzzled that he had used the word for 'waybread' instead of 'home-bread'. But if there was gravel in it, it had to be the same. "I do. I'll have to substitute something for the contents of Nanny's catbox, but I'm sure I can manage something."

"How do you know how to make true dwarven _cram_?" Gimli asked, reverting back to his suspicion of her. "It is a secret of my kind."

"I… I think that the relations between Men and Dwarves are… easier where I am from." Agnes explained cautiously, trying to draw Gimli out of his suspicions again. "But most Men don't know the recipe," She added, "I think one of the ole women in my village was the only one who knew, and she taught it to me."

Gimli looked relieved that the recipe for dwarf bread wasn't _too_ common. Agnes felt relieved that he didn't seem too suspicious of her anymore (no dwarf can be too doubtful of someone who can make genuine dwarf bread). Now all Agnes had to do was actually make it, and maybe she would have a friend in this strange place.

* * *

Agnes and Gimli tried to go back into the kitchens to ask when there would be an oven available, but were immediately chased out by a frazzled-looking elf.

Agnes promised that she would make the dwarf bread tomorrow, but Gimli muttered something about 'not being available for most of the day' tomorrow, so Agnes promised to do it the next day. Wondering what exactly Gimli was doing tomorrow, and why he wouldn't talk about it.

Luckily for Agnes, just the thought of the promised dwarf bread made Gimli pretty cheerful. He showed Agnes around Elrond's home, despite his not really knowing his way either.

This of course resulted in the both of them getting lost in the woods for the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon, but since it was such a nice day neither of them really minded. Gimli quizzed Agnes on the dwarves of the Disc, which Agnes answered as best as she could.

Agnes asked some general questions, which Gimli answered willingly enough. But when she asked him why he was in the home of an elf, he wouldn't answer.

"Shouldn't talk about it now, lass." Was all he would say.

Thankfully an elf happened across them in the woods around 3 o'clock and pointed them in the right direction to the Last Homely House. Gimli walked Agnes back to her room and told her that the feast would likely begin shortly, and (tactfully) suggested that she should wash up before hand. He left her in her room, presumably going off to do the same as she.

Why was he here, surrounded by elves that obviously made him uncomfortable? It was most curious.


	10. Feasting

AN- The last part of the last chapter was very rushed, and it shows. I apologize, and I'll try and go back and clean it up later.

I'm considering changing the genre of this story to maybe drama/parody, cause it kinda stopped being overly humorous… I dunno.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 10 – Feasting**

Agnes spent five minutes after Gimli left her to freshen up. She splashed some water on her face and combed her long dark hair. Agnes had nice hair, people complimented her on it all the time. Sometimes Agnes wished that she could trade in her hair for a thinner body.

_You and me both. _Perdita commented.

_No asked you to listen in._

_Whatever._

Agnes quickly braided her hair. As soon as she finished she heard a tapping at her door. She walked over and opened it, but instead of Gimli waiting for her as she was expecting, an elvish woman Agnes had not met inclined her head politely and said something.

_Don't they know by now that I have no idea what they're saying?_ Agnes sighed, and shrugged her shoulders at the woman.

The woman just smiled at Agnes, and motioned for Agnes to follow her. Agnes hesitated for a moment, and then followed the woman. _I guess Gimli is busy with something… I hope I'm sitting next to him or his father at this feast. I would hate to have no one to talk to._

* * *

Gimli had been waylaid by Gandalf on his way to fetch Agnes from her room. "Gandalf," said Gimli, turning around and falling into step with Gandalf. "What do you wish to speak with me about?" Gimli made a quick mental bet with himself over what the Grey Wizard wished to speak with him about.

"The girl, Agnes," Gandalf began.

_I win. _Thought Gimli smugly.

"You spent most of the day with her, correct?"

Gimli nodded. "That I did."

"What do you think of her? Does she seem trustworthy?" If Gimli didn't know any better, he would have thought that Gandalf looked anxious, or at least slightly worried. And if Gandalf was worried about something, that usually meant that a sane dwarf should start running in the other direction… to get his ax and deal with the problem. (What, you thought a dwarf would run away from trouble? Silly person.)

Gimli chose his words carefully. "She seemed… nice. If she can really make dwarf bread like she claims, I will call her trustworthy."

Gandalf's lips twitched and his eyes shone with mirth that momentarily banished his worry. "She knows how to make dwarf bread? I didn't know that any Men even _knew_ about it."

Gimli shrugged, refusing to get riled by Gandalf's jab. "Her world is different from ours. It was enough of a surprise that she even knows dwarvish." He commented.

Gandalf nodded, solemn once again. "Yes, it was quite the surprise. But what did you think of Agnes… if we asked her for help, do you believe she could be moved to aid us?"

Gimli stopped walking and stared at Gandalf. "I supposed so…" he said slowly, "Asked her for what sort of help?" he asked curiously.

Gandalf motioned for Gimli to continue walking irritably. "It is not yet time for that particular question to be discussed." With that cryptic statement, they arrived at the Great Hall. Gandalf nodded to Gimli and made his way to the high table.

Gimli looked around and noticed Agnes already seated at one of the tables farthest from the high table. He sat down next to her (he had been asked by both Gandalf and Lord Elrond to act as friend, guide, and translator for her) with an approving nod. Guest she may be, and she certainly seemed to have only peaceful intent, but she was a stranger to this world and their customs. Best to keep her in the back where she would be less likely to be uncomfortable surrounded by strangers she couldn't communicate with.

* * *

Agnes gave Gimli a grateful smile as he sat down next to her. He elven guide, and the elves around her, we all nice enough, but it was maddening to hear them talking pleasantly around her when she had no idea what was going on. She noticed that when Gimli was seated the others at their table all switched from the fluid speech they had been using to something different.

_I guess the first is their language, and the second is a common language like Morporkian._ Agnes thought.

Gimli exchanged greetings and pleasantries with the elves seated at their table, but it didn't seem like he actually knew more than one or two of them. Agnes just sat quietly and smiled when someone looked in her direction until Gimli turned back to her.

"We are waiting for everyone at the high table to be seated, and then the feast will begin." Gimli told her quietly, noticing that she had been eying the food laid out before them. He pointed to the high table and began naming the people already seated. Agnes nodded mutely and wondered if she would remember any of the names.

"… and next to my father is one of the young hobbits, sitting on a pile of cushions, I think his name is Frodo. He's the nephew of one of my father's companions when he went on his great adventure." Gimli sighed. "Orcs crowd all borders, killing wherever they may, and I must sit here and wait. It is intolerable."

"Why must you wait? What are Orcs?" Agnes asked.

Gimli ignored the first question. "Orcs are foul creatures; they are bred in filth and know only hate at greed. They serve the Lord of the Dark Tower." Gimli worked his mouth as if he wanted to spit, then looked around and decided against it.

Agnes was desperately curious about this dark lord, but at that moment lord Elrond was seated at the high table and the clatter of dishes as they were passed and the chatter of the elves made it impossible for Agnes to ask her question.

After the initial activity, Agnes ate the excellent food quietly and watched the high table. Elrond was seated at the end, dressed much the same as he had been the day before and still crowned in a silver circlet. Glorfindel and Gandalf sat on either side of him, Gandalf looking particularly old and worn in comparison to Glorfindel's smooth face and blond hair.

Somewhere near the other end of the table sat Glóin, bedecked in gold and many fine jewels, and Frodo, who Agnes now recognized as the sick 'child' she had seen during her our of body experience. He looked much healthier now, but his face was drawn. Agnes wondered what sort of illness he had been suffering from.

In the middle of the table, talking animatedly with the elves on either side was a woman of astounding beauty. Agnes felt Perdita sigh in admiration, and she had to agree. She noticed that the woman bore a striking resemblance to Elrond, and mentioned this to Gimli.

"She is lord Elrond's daughter, called Arwen Undomiel." The fluid syllables of her name fell slightly awkwardly off Gimli's tongue.

"So he is married? Why is his wife not seated at the high table with them?" Agnes asked.

"Lord Elrond's wife left Middle-Earth some time ago." Gimli said.

"Oh," Agnes said belatedly, "I'm sorry."

Gimli shrugged, "I did not know her."

"Oh." They both sat quietly for awhile eating, until Agnes remembered her unanswered question. "Gimli, who is the Lord of the Dark Tower? And why is he so evil?" It was odd to Agnes that Gimli spoke of this lord with such dread, when did dwarves ever fear anything?

Gimli looked nonplussed for a moment, then remembered Agnes' strangeness. He lowered his voice so much that Agnes had to lean closer to hear him. "He is Sauron. Thousands of years ago he tried to dominate the world and extinguish the races of Elves and Dwarves, and the noble Men of this world. He was defeated, but his spirit lingers on, and it is said by the wise that he is come again."

"Agnes," said a voice behind them. They looked up, it was Gandalf.

"Yes?" she said slowly, unnerved by what she had just been told and by Gandalf's sudden appearance.

"I need you to come with me."

Agnes rose slowly, Gimli a half a beat behind her, but Gandalf shook his head. "No Gimli, stay and enjoy the feast, I must discuss this matter with Agnes privately."

Gimli sat back, looking disgruntled. "Very well, I shall." He looked over and addressed Agnes, "Don't forget lass, you promised to bake me dwarf bread."

Agnes smiled at him, "And I will." Then she hurried out of the hall after Gandalf.


	11. A Choice to Make

AN: Okay, I'm officially changing the genre to Humor/Drama, I think it will fit better that way.

Disclaimer (for last chapter too 'cause I forgot it) – Don't own 'em, just playing.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 11 – A Choice to Make**

Agnes hurried down the corridor at Gandalf's heels. She desperately wanted to know why he had pulled her away, but the pace he set was too fast for her to gather the breath to get the questions out. Agnes spared a moment to wonder how such an old man could walk so damnably _fast_.

Finally, Gandalf stopped outside a door and, without pausing, opened it and strode in. Agnes followed nervously. It was the same study where she had been questioned by Gandalf, Lord Elrond, Glorfindel, Glóin, and Gimli just the day before. Gandalf shut the door behind Agnes, they were alone in the room.

Gandalf turned to face her and gestured at one of the may chairs scattered about the room. "Please Agnes, take a seat. Lord Elrond and Frodo Baggins will be joining us soon."

Agnes took a chair against the wall facing Gandalf. "But… why?"

Gandalf sat down in a chair near Agnes' with a small sigh. "Agnes, I overheard Gimli telling you of Sauron. He did not tell you everything."

Gandalf launched into a tale of the past, of rings and deception and desperate alliances. Agnes listened with wide eyes, it was a more gripping and epic story than any Agnes had ever hard in Lancre.

_It's like this place is made of legends and heroes. _Commented Perdita quietly.

Agnes didn't respond, she was distracted by a flickering in the corners of her eyes. Whenever Gandalf mentioned the Rings of Power, something on his finger seemed to flash red, like a ring that had caught the light. After the fourth time this happened, Gandalf seemed to notice her noticing and casually shifted his arm so that his grey robes were covering his hand.

"… And so Isildur kept the Ring for himself, but it betrayed him and slipped off of his finger when he most needed it. It was lost for hundreds of years, until it was found by a small creature that called it his 'birthday present' and took it to roots of the mountains…"

Something vaguely stirred Agnes' memory. When Granny, Nanny, and Magrat had gone to Guena, the mentioned meeting something under the mountains… but the thought was gone. Agnes returned her attention to Gandalf's tale.

"…and a hobbit found it and kept it for many years, but then passed it on to his nephew. But Sauron is growing in power once again, and he knows that it has been found, that it is in this place. He will bend all his will on finding it, and once he has found it there will be nothing stopping him from covering all the world in darkness." Gandalf fell silent, staring at Agnes expectantly.

"But… it's just a ring," Agnes said, falteringly, "Can't you just destroy it and been done with it?"

"It's not that easy Agnes, it can only be destroyed in the place where it was made, in the fires of a volcano." Gandalf said regretfully.

"Oh."

The door suddenly opened, admitting Lord Elrond and the small hobbit that Gimli had identified at dinner as Frodo. Elrond looked stern (as always) and slightly irritated. Frodo looked bewildered; clearly Elrond had brought him here much as Agnes had been brought by Gandalf.

Elrond gestured to Agnes, and spoke to Frodo. Gandalf spoke to Agnes "This is Frodo Baggins, Agnes."

Frodo bowed to Agnes, just like the two other hobbits from yesterday had done. Agnes returned the courtesy. "It's nice to meet you." Frodo murmured something that sounded similar.

Elrond spoke to Gandalf quickly; he and Frodo sat in chairs facing Gandalf and Agnes so that the four of them formed a small circle.

Gandalf smiled a bit, "Lord Elrond would like you to know that he does not think that what I am about to suggest is a very wise choice, but he has consented to let me ask this favor of you." He nodded to Elrond, who leaned back in his chair with an unreadable expression on his face.

Gandalf turned to Frodo and said something. With supreme reluctance, Frodo unchained a silver necklace, drawing out a plain gold ring and laying it on a small table next to him. It seemed to take a monstrous effort for him to withdraw his hand again.

Agnes stared at the ring in fascination. It looked so simple, but Agnes could sense immense power in it, almost like it had a will of its own…

_Ooooo, pretty._ Perdita remarked.

"Agnes," Gandalf said, drawing her gaze away from the ring, "this is the Ring I spoke to you of. Tomorrow there will be a council to decide its fate, but Lord Elrond and I already know what must be down. Someone must take it to Mt. Doom and throw it into the fire."

_Destroy such a beautiful ring? Are they crazy?_ shouted Perdita in Agnes' head.

_Weren't you listening? It's **evil**. _

_Oh… Right… _Perdita sounded confused. _Why did I say that?_

Gandalf had started speaking again. "We had thought to send a small group, hardy peoples with the strength and will to bear the ring so far and cast it away, but there may be a better way."

"What way is that?"

"You have… and extraordinary broom Agnes, and powers that no Man should have. _You_ could take the ring, with a guide, and carry it there in a few days, with no one able to stop you." Gandalf looked at her pleadingly, "Agnes, this is danger to everyone in this world. If it's not destroyed, no force in this world will be able to defeat the rising tide. Please Agnes, help us."

* * *

AN: No one ever remembers this, but Granny, Nanny, and Magrat meet Gollum in _Witches Abroad_, I thought it would be fitting for it to get a mention.


	12. Decision

AN: I got my first flame! At first I was excited (I don't know why), but now I'm just disappointed, this flame could barely light a candle. I was considering taking this time to respond to the flame (urge to mock… rising…), but since the person clearly has no idea who Terry Pratchett is (I pity them), and didn't bother reading even all of chapter 1, there really isn't any point.

Did I make it clear enough that this was a crossover? I can go back and put that in somewhere… I just assumed if someone didn't recognize 'Discworld', they wouldn't bother reading.

Disclaimer: I own neither Discworld or Middle-Earth, nor any of the characters therein. I'm merely borrowing them for some fun, and I promise to put them back where I found them. (I can't believe I need to put this:) Flames will be used as bedding for Smigle, my new mini-balrog.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 12 – Decision**

"Will you take the Ring and destroy it Agnes? For the safety of Middle-Earth?"

Agnes stared at Gandalf in shock. "I… you… I…" she managed weakly.

Frodo, who had been listening to a quick explanation from Elrond, was also staring in bewilderment at Gandalf. He asked a quick question, darting a suspicious glance in Agnes' direction.

"He wants to know how I know I can trust you." Gandalf said to Agnes, and then spoke to Frodo, whom sat back, looking both hopeful and anxious. "I told him that I trust my instincts."

Through her shock, Agnes felt honored by his regard. From a wizard as powerful as he seemed to be, it was like being complimented by Granny Weatherwax.

Agnes stared at the ring lying innocently on the table by Frodo's elbow. _Could I do it? Could I fly all the way to this volcano?_ She felt a strong urge to accept, to take the Ring.

_Why didn't I want it to be destroyed? Why do I want it so much?_ Perdita asked nervously. _When I think of it I see… things._

It was odd for Perdita to be so worried about something. Why was she so worried, the Ring was clearly magnificent, if she had it she would be the greatest witch ever, Granny would admit that she as merely an old woman next to Agnes' greatness…

_See! You're thinking things too! You're thinking of greatness, when have **you** ever wanted that?_

Agnes shook her head, trying to clear it. Perdita was right, but how could one lousy ring make people think such things?

Agnes tore her gaze away from the Ring and met Gandalf's narrowed eyes. "When I think of the Ring… I want to take it and use it for myself." She admitted. "How can a ring make me think like that?"

Gandalf seemed simultaneously worried and relieved by her question. "The Ring is an instrument of Power. It desires evil, dominance, strength. It bends the minds of every person around it until they can think of nothing but possessing it. Only the very strong can withstand it, and only until they have not the strength left to fight its lure. This is why it is so dangerous"

"And you want me to take it?" Agnes asked incredulously.

"You have a strong mind Agnes, I can sense it. And… you have this Perdita to remind you of its danger. You would only bear it for a few days, if you fly fast enough." He added quickly, seeing Agnes' disbelieving expression.

Agnes' eyebrows furrowed as she looked again at the golden Ring. _He's practically begging me to take it. He's afraid of it, of what it is capable of._

_I'm afraid too._ Said Perdita quietly.

_Lord Elrond doesn't approve, remember? He has a power like Gandalf's… Should I ignore his concerns?_

_The danger is so close, so real. Look at Frodo, he carried it, and he was so sick when we first saw him…_

_And if I refuse? He will keep carrying it, or someone else will take up the burden. I can spare him that pain._

_And take it on yourself?_

_Isn't that what being a witch is all about? Doing the hard thing, because you're the only one who can?_

_We could do it. We could rid Middle-Earth of this evil within a week. Sauron would never see us coming. Nothing could stop us._

_It seems so… precious…_

_Nothing except our own desire…_

Suddenly, Agnes felt a familiar presence, a feather-light brush against her mind. _I can't be having with this…_

Agnes' sat up very strait in surprise. She saw Elrond's and Gandalf's eyes widen as they too felt the stranger. Frodo just looked confused by Agnes' behavior.

Gandalf turned to Elrond and spoke. Elrond nodded, confirming that he too had felt the mind-touch. They turned as one to face Agnes.

"You felt it too, didn't you?" Gandalf queried.

Agnes nodded. "I think I know who it was… someone from my world, the most powerful witch I know, she must have discovered where I went."

"You said that no one from your world knew this one existed, how would she find you?"

Agnes remembered Magrat telling her about Granny's box once. She had said the oddest thing had been a bit of thunderbolt iron, with a needle stuck through the middle.

"She always liked to see into things." Agnes said quietly in Morporkian. When Gandalf raised his eyebrows at her, Agnes switched back to dwarvish. "Remember how I told you about the fairy folk?" she asked, Gandalf nodded. "Granny had a way of… looking into the circle stones. I think that's how."

Gandalf nodded. "I see." He paused, then went on, "I cannot feel her mind anymore, she must have lost her focus or been withdrawn."

Agnes had to stifle a laugh. Granny, lose focus? She was more likely to go dancing with the Queen of the Fairies. But Gandalf was right; Granny's presence was completely gone.

Agnes returned her gaze to the Ring, but now she could only think about what Granny would say.

_"I've never been one to put meeself forward."_

_I didn't, they asked me…_

_"The hardest part of being a witch is knowing when to be one…"_

_But, this ring is so evil… isn't it right to be a witch to fight for good?_

_"You can't be a good witch or a bad witch, you can just be a witch, as hard as you can."_

_That doesn't seem fair_

_"What's fair isn't always right."_

_People need to kill their own vampires…_

Agnes looked up from the ring, strait into Gandalf's eyes. "I cannot take the Ring. The evils of this world can't be fought be me. It must be fought by the good and the noble of _this_ world."

Gandalf looked disappointed, but also a little… proud? Like she had failed one test but aced another. He turned and started speaking to Elrond and Frodo.

_Even wizards can be conflicted._ Agnes thought.

_Even witches?_ Perdita thought sarcastically.

Agnes stuck out her mental tongue at Perdita. Seemingly, refusing to take the ring had returned Perdita to her normal annoying self.

Gandalf, Elrond, and Frodo finished their conversation. Agnes couldn't help but notice that Elrond looked a little smug. But just a little.

"Lord Elrond, at least, is pleased by your decision." Gandalf said with a small smile. "If you wish, he can now escort us to the Hall of Fire, where you can listen to songs and stories. You won't be able to understand them of course, but I believe Gimli is there and would be happy to act as friend and translator."

Agnes smiled at him. "I would enjoy that."

The four of them rose, and Elrond led the way out of his office and down the corridor.

* * *

AN: not all of those are actual quotes, most are paraphrases. Since they came mostly from Granny's thoughts I thought it would be weird to have Agnes remember exact quotes… I hope that made sense…

I would like to send out yet _another_ thank you to mirielle, who I think has reviewed every single chapter.


	13. The Hall of Fire

AN: I'm sorry updates have been nonexistent in the last few weeks. I'm in the middle of packing to move back up to Montreal. We're driving… it's something like 12 _hours_… I don't know whether I'm happy that I can actually bring up more than 2 suitcases this year, or if I want to claw my eyes out with a spork at such a long drive.

ANYWAY, the moral of this story is that I will be updating very sporadically for the next few weeks. I will try and pull off a chapter or 2 in that time, but I make no promises.

And now, since just posting author's notes is a Bad Thing, here is your short musical interlude (nonofthecharactersinthisstoryareminetheyareTolkein'sandTerryPratchett's):

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 13 – The Hall of Fire**

Agnes entered into a large hall behind Gandalf, Elrond, and Frodo. At one end a large roaring fireplace gave the room cozy warmth. Many chairs were set against the walls, all facing the center of the room, where one elf was singing a haunting melody.

Agnes noticed Gimli sitting near the back of the room and hurried over to join him. He gave her a pleasant nod, and returned his attention to the singer.

Agnes sat entranced for what seemed like hours. Most of the songs she heard seemed filled with an unbearable sadness and loss, yet the melodies filled her with a sense of complacence.

After quite some time, Gandalf and an elf that bore a striking resemblance to Lord Elrond came up to Agnes and Gimli.

"Elladan would like to hear a song from you, Agnes." Gandalf said noncommittally.

Agnes looked from him to Elladan. Clearly Elladan thought she would sing some hopelessly rustic dwarven tune. From the blank look on Gandalf's face, he expected the same, and didn't think it would go over well.

_Shall we show them how wrong they are?_ Perdita asked wickedly.

Agnes smiled and stood. "I would be happy to oblige Elladan." She said. She strode to the middle of the room and gave a small bow to the entire room. There were expressions of suppressed horror, as well as amusement, scattered across the crowd.

_Let's show them how it's really done._

_I knew all that opera was good for something._

Agnes launched into "Flower Duet" from a Guenan opera called 'The Marriage'. Shock registered on the watching faces as they realized that Agnes was singing in harmony with herself. Actually Perdita was singing along, a talent that was a byproduct of mixing witchcraft and music. The tune for he duet was liting and beautiful, but it had always amused Agnes that the translation of the lyrics was:

"I am so bored,

Stuck in this courtyard

With these stupid smelly flowers.

How I loathe the jasmine,

I wish I had a beer."

When Agnes and Perdita were done singing, the hall rang with appreciative silence. She bowed to the room again and sat back down next to Gimli, smiling pleasantly at the shocked faces around her.

* * *

AN: The song is a spoof of a duet called 'Sous le dome Epais' from the French opera Lakme. The lyrics certainly don't translate to anything like that (but if I remember correctly they are kind of trite), and the song really is beautiful.


	14. Dwarf Bread Again

Disclaimer – Middle Earth and all its characters belong to Tolkein, Agnes and Granny belong to Terry Pratchett

AN: It's really hard to type in a car when you get carsick easily, bleh. So through queasiness and boredom I give you: chapter 14! Tah-dah!

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 14 – Dwarf Bread Again**

Agnes woke, as was her usual custom, just before the sun rose. She stood and stretched languidly, once again admiring the view from her window. The sky was pink and gold in the east and the sun just beginning to peek through the trees, causing the forest to light up in brown, orange, yellow, and red. A crisp autumn breeze blew across her face through the open window, effectively bringing her to full wakefulness and making her feel refreshed.

Agnes crossed the room to the washbasin and quickly scrubbed her face and neck with the cool water, then combed her long hair until it was tangle-free. With this done, Agnes decided to try and get to the kitchen and get breakfast by herself, if her door wasn't locked that is.

Agnes walked to the door and gave it an experimental push, it swung open obligingly. She poked her head out and looked around; the hall seemed to be deserted.

_Lord Elrond must have decided I'm definitely not dangerous._

_Well, you did side with him about that Ring. _Perdita said.

Perdita's mentioning the Ring woke in Agnes a faint longing to see it again, a longing she shook off with difficulty. _It's a good thing I did too; I don't think I could have resisted it for more than a few days. _She shuddered. _Maybe less if I was actually carrying it._

_Yeah... _Perdita said vaguely, trailing off into mental silence.

Shaking her head to clear it, Agnes shut the door behind her and walked off in the direction in which she thought the kitchen lay.

After only a few wrong turns quickly corrected by Agnes' good memory she arrived at the door to the great hall. She peered in cautiously, suddenly nervous about being in the presence of so many elves whom she had no hope of communicating with without Gimli's reassuring and stoic presence. The hall was about half full of people, all elves except one Man sitting in a corner. Agnes could tell he was a Man because of his beard and general scruffy appearance when compared to the elves. He also missed that light that seemed to emanate from all of the elves.

Shaking her head to rid herself from her reservations she walked through the hall, aware of eyes following her progress. She reached the door to the kitchens and pushed into the kitchens without a pause. It was much less hectic than it had been the day before. People worked steadily while chattering to each other, obviously working through comfortable routine.

Agnes stood inside the door awkwardly, wondering if she should just go to the nearest hearth from which a pot of porridge was swaying gently, or ask one of the cooks if she could take some first.

The decision was taken out of her hands when the same cook who had yesterday sent her and Gimli scurrying from the kitchens walked up to Agnes, a smile on her face. She pointed to the pot of porridge, then to a sack of bowls and spoons nearby, then to a jug of water standing by the door next to which many clay cups had been stacked. She smiled encouragingly at Agnes, then hurried off to some other duty.

_Clearly she knew you wouldn't be able to understand her. _said Perdita.

_Clearly. _responded Agnes. She walked to the hearth and ladled herself some porridge then grabbed a cupful of water and walked back out to the great hall, stepping out of the way of a few elves that had entered the kitchens, clearly intent on some porridge as well.

To Agnes relief she found an unoccupied corner where she could sit out of the way and watch the hall unobtrusively. She noticed that the few elves seated at the high table all seemed preoccupied with something. Agnes remembered that last night Gandalf had mentioned a council that was to be held today.

_No wonder they look preoccupied, _Agnes thought to herself, _do they know that the Ring has been found, that it's here? Will any of them be chosen to travel to the volcano?_

_Does any of this matter to you? _Perdita thought sarcastically. _You're not involved anymore, you declined to be a hero._

Agnes, as she often did, ignored Perdita. Perdita wasn't a morning figment-person, and tended to be nastier than normal before around ten o'clock in the morning. Agnes finished her porridge and returned her dishes to the kitchen.

She ran into Gimli as she exited the kitchen. He reminded her of her promise to bake dwarf bread.

"Now?" she asked, slightly taken aback.

"Yes, now. I will be, ah, busy come midmorning and through much of the rest of today." Gimli said.

Agnes almost said "Oh, the council, right?" then remembered that he didn't know that she knew about it, and bit back the words before they came out. "I suppose we shall have to go search for the right kind of gravel then, shouldn't we?" she said instead.

Gimli readily agreed, and they spent a good twenty minutes wandering around outside in the morning sun searching for good gravel, and received many stares from confused-looking elves. Gimli seemed to be fairly cheerful, but occasionally Agnes would see a worried expression cross his face, but every time it was quickly replaced by good humor. Agnes guessed that he was thinking of the council that was to take place sometime today.

At last they had collected enough gravel for a medium loaf of dwarf bread, and they went back to the kitchen. Agnes wasn't sure how, but Gimli managed to procure for their use oven and counter space, as well as a chisel, hammer, tongs, and a very small shovel of the gardening variety, as well as some of the more normal cooking ingredients Agnes needed.

As Agnes worked on forcing the ingredients into the "dough", Gimli pulled up a stool and sat watching her work raptly. As it became obvious that Agnes did indeed know how to make the bread properly, a smile slowly appeared on Gimli's face. When Agnes placed the dough on its pan and pushed it into the oven, Gimli got off his stool with a very pleased expression.

"Lass, that looks to be as fine a loaf of dwarf bread as my own mum could ever make." He said, smiling. He opened his mouth to say more, but just then a loud bell could be heard ringing somewhere outside.

Gimli looked worried, and a little disappointed. "I... I have to go lass." he said. "There is something I must do for awhile."

Agnes nodded, trying not to look too knowing. "It's all right, I'll go for a walk or something. Will I see you for lunch, perhaps?" Somewhere from the recesses of her mind, the thought that Gimli really was a fine figure of a dwarf.

_Ew!_ Screeched Perdita. _You're as bad as Nanny and Casanunda! He's a **dwarf** for crying out loud!_

_I know that! _Snapped Agnes. _I don't know where that came from, so leave me alone._

Gimli murmured a goodbye as Agnes was arguing with herself. She nodded and he hurried out of the kitchen.

Unlike normal bread dwarf bread took a good three ours to bake, so Agnes decided to walk through the woods to the circle of stones where she had first appeared in this place. Nodding to the head cook, Agnes exited the kitchen and found her way outside. Searchiin her memory, she picked out a path and walked into the sheltering trees.

It had not rained since Agnes had come here from Lancre, so the gouges in the ground where the elves had dragged the stretcher carrying her body were still plainly visible along the forest floor, making her path extremely easy to follow.

Agnes allowed her mind to wander as she walked, thinking of the council. She considered eavesdropping, a fairly easy feat if you were a witch, but dismissed it. If she just watched, she would not understand a word of what was being said. The only way to that would be to Borrow, to ride unbidden and unnoticed in Glimi's or Glóin's mind. She dismissed this idea for two reasons: firstly she had never Borrowed a person before, and felt slightly uncomfortable at the thought. Secondly even here, an entire universe away from Granny, the thought of Borrowing felt slightly wrong. It was the specialty of Granny Weatherwax, not Agnes Nitt.

As Agnes came to this conclusion, she stepped out into the clearing where the circle stones sat quietly. She stared at them, wondering how she was to use them to get home when she could feel no power from them. The space they circled might as well have been just the same as any other patch of grass.

Suddenly, just as it had barely two days ago, the circle flashed as if stuck by lightning. Instinctively, Agnes jumped backward in alarm.

_Why are you jumping away? _Asked Perdita incredulously, _don't you want to go home?_

_I- _Agnes began, but before she could formulate a coherent thought someone fell through the circle, which flashed again and then was as still as if nothing had happened.

Agnes stared in surprise at the person now climbing to their feet. "You? How..."

Granny Weatherwax put her hat firmly on her head, which had fallen out when she hit the ground due to the sudden absence of her usual hat pins. "Hello Agnes, been enjoying yourself?"

* * *

AN: dun dun dun! Yay for bad cliffhangers. :o)


	15. Home Again

Disclaimer: The characters and places used in this story do not, nor ever have nor will belong to me in any way, shape or form. The story and ideas contained herein to belong to me, and if plagerized millions of hairy demons will move into your sock drawer.

AN: This took forever, and I'm sorry. As soon as I got up to montreal my hard drive decided that what it REALLY wanted to do was stop spinning. So I've got a new hard drive and new boot disks and I reinstalled everything (but I lost all my pictures and stuff, rar), so here it goes, the last chapter.

* * *

**Agnes and the Elves**

**Chapter 15 – Home Again**

"Been enjoying yourself?" Granny asked, as if Agnes' disappearance through the stones was as normal as a rain shower.

Agnes blinked. "How did you get through the stones? How did you know I was here?"

"Oh," Granny waved a hand dismissively, "every witch in the Ramtops knew something had happened at the stones. We thought it was Elves at first of course, everyone rushed up there as quick as we could. All we found were your boot nails stickin' to the Piper."

"My boot nails?" Agnes asked, then looked at her feet. "I hadn't even noticed they were gone."

Granny nodded approvingly, "That's how you can tell they're good boots."

Agnes had to agree. You knew where you stood with good Lancre boots. Sometimes it was with a toe under a cart or a barrel, and you didn't know that, but that's because they were _good_ boots.

"It took us awhile to figure out it was you who had gone through the circle. Nanny asked around and Shawn Ogg had seen you flying up there that mornin'."

"I didn't do it on purpose!" Agnes said hurriedly. "I was just there to check it, you know, to make sure it was still holding before circle time started, and the circle sort of flashed and…" she wilted slightly under Granny's stare and stopped talking.

"I never thought you had gone through on purpose." Granny said evenly.

"Oh."

"I had a look inside-"

_The thunderbolt iron with the needle in it. _Agnes thought

"-and saw you coming under the influence of occult jewelry and other such nonsense, so I figured I had to come and fetch you."

"Er… thank you." Agnes said.

"So? Let's go then." Granny said, motioning at the stones behind her.

"I… um… can't yet." said Agnes slowly. "I need to fetch my broom, and I should thank the people here who were nice enough not to kill me on sight and tell them that I'm going."

Granny thought a moment, then nodded. "All right, it doesn't hurt to me nice I suppose."

Agnes led the way out of the clearing and back towards the Last Homely House. "Granny, there's something I need to tell you about the people here…"

Less than a minute later, the quiet of the forest was broken by a shouting match between Agnes and Granny, followed almost immediately by the sound of the noon bell striking not too far away.

* * *

Agnes' and Granny's argument lasted almost their entire walk back to the house of Elrond. They were observed with some curiosity (and amusement) by elvish patrols, who recognized Agnes and designated the two of them as not a threat. The patrols went unnoticed by Agnes and Granny, who were too involved in their bickering to care.

"You just have to meet them, then you'll know the difference!" Agnes said heatedly.

"If you say so." said Granny skeptically.

They emerged from the woods and in sight of the magnificent house. Granny gave an almost imperceptible start, unless you had been watching her, and Agnes nodded in satisfaction. The house almost proved Agnes' point for her. Normal elves couldn't build anything more complex than a tent, and they certainly couldn't create anything beautiful. They preferred to break beautiful things to hear the noise they would make.

"So, where can I meet the people in charge and get your broom back?" asked Granny.

"I think… that they're in a meeting, Granny." said Agnes slowly. But she was contradicted almost immediately by the sight of Gandalf and Elrond walking out of the gate, deeply immersed in a discussion that looked remarkably similar to the one Granny and Agnes had just finished.

They stopped short when they noticed Granny and Agnes standing before the gate, eyebrows raised in unison.

"Hello Gandalf, Lord Elrond." Agnes said carefully in dwarvish, nodding to each of them in turn. "This is Granny Weatherwax." She pointed at Granny, then switched back to Morporkian. "Granny, they don't speak Morporkian, but the wizard speaks dwarvish. He's the one on the right. The other one is Lord Elrond, he's a…" Agnes hesitated.

"An elf, I can see that. And you were right." Granny, who had never bothered to learn dwarvish, stared at Gandalf and Elrond in turn and then inclined her head to each of them. They returned the courtesy, not inclining their heads a millimeter more than she had.

Gandalf spoke to Agnes, "She is the presence we sensed yesterday?"

Agnes nodded. "She's come here to take me home, but I need to get my broom, and to say goodbye."

Gandalf spoke to Elrond, and they engaged in a quick conversation while Granny and Agnes watched.

"Must be confusing, all this translating." Granny commented.

"It's not too bad, there are a couple dwarves here too. I baked one some dwarf bread this morning."

"Integratin' with the population, eh? You're as bad as Gytha." Said Granny, but with a slight smile.

Agnes opened her mouth to deny it, but changed her mind. She had wanted Gimli to like her, after all.

Gandalf and Elrond finished their conversation, and turned back to Agnes. "It has been… interesting to have you with us, Agnes Nitt." said Gandalf.

Agnes smiled. "It has been interesting for me too." She paused. "I would like to say goodbye to Gimli too, if he isn't busy."

"He shouldn't be. Lord Elrond shall send some to get him and your broom." Lord Elrond had already turned to a convenient passer-by and sent them trotting off back through the gate.

They stood staring at each other for several minutes, letting the silence stretch out. Finally, Granny said to Agnes "I want to ask mister Gandalf a question."

"Er, all right."

"What would he take out of a burning house?"

Agnes stared at Granny for a moment. "Why-?"

"Just ask."

Agnes turned to Gandalf and asked him.

He looked at her oddly. "Why is the house on fire?"

"I don't know." said Agnes. She turned back to Granny and told her what Gandalf had said.

"Hah, typical wizard." Was all Granny would say. Agnes shrugged at Gandalf to convey that it didn't really matter.

Gimli came into view hurrying towards them, Agnes' broom held gingerly in one had in case it went off suddenly. He immediately gave the broom to Agnes, relived to not have to touch it anymore.

"You're leaving?" He asked Agnes gruffly.

She nodded.

"Well, I'm sorry to see you go lass."

"The dwarf bread should be finished in an hour or so."

"I'll see to it." Gimli nodded to her, turned, and walked away.

Agnes faced Gandalf and Elrond, a bemused expression on her face. "I want to thank you both, and Glóin, for being so kind to me."

"It is our duty, and in this case our pleasure, to take in those in need and give them aid." said Gandalf. "I will accompany you to the stones, too make sure you get home safely."

_And to make sure we **go** home._ added Perdita.

_Shut up. _thought Agnes.

* * *

Back at the stones, Agnes said good bye to Gandalf, who nodded and then stepped back away from the Stones.

"As wizards go, I suppose he isn't all that bad." Said Granny. She grabbed Agnes' wrist and stepped forward with her into the circle. There was a flash of light and-

-They were falling off a cliff and tripping over a stone at the same time, thousands of miles scrunched up into a few feet of space…-

-and they landed with a soft thump outside the Dancers, on the spring bracken of Lancre.

Agnes stood up and brushed herself off. "Well, I'm back." She said.

"Whatever, don't do something foolish like that again." Snapped Granny, and stalked off.

Fin

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Final ANs: not my best finish, but I didn't want to detract from the climax. Anyway, I am planning on writing a sort of sequel (with Death as the star), but I have another project I want to do first in Terry Pratchett land, and I have lots of stuff to do now that the semester's started, so don't expect it for awhile.

I was reading through the story again recently, and damn, there are quite a few typos. At some point I may attempt to go back and clean it up.

I want to thank all of the people who reviewed (even the idiot flamer), you guys gave me all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings, thank you.


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